Why I Decided to Look at My Regrets

And what happened when I did

Taking the time to examine personal regrets is good for your mental health. I found being in the little row boat on the winter lake at Evergreen a good place to do it. Photo by Rob.

It’s healthy to have regrets.

I used to think they were a waste of brain space and emotional energy.

But after listening to a David Whyte interview on Sounds True, I’ve changed my mind.

What he said was:

Regret puts you into a proper relationship with the world.

He went on to explain that we need to pay attention to what we were keeping at bay. If we don’t, we’ll keep repeating the same mistakes and creating similar regrets.

As Socrates once said:

An unexamined life isn’t worth living.

Even while I danced and spun through life saying blithely that I had no regrets, I did really have some.

I was just ignoring the dark, musty memories that I refused to bring out into the light of day.

Regrets are like psychological dust. They coat me and stop me from breathing freely. I need to pay attention to my regrets if I want to be free of them, not pretend they don’t exist.

In his book, The Flame, the iconic poet, novelist and singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen wrote:

There’s no one else there’s nothing else Can move the dust but you

The dust needs to be moved.

Removed.

Who is the only one who can remove them? ? Me. How? By honestly examining what has created the psychological dust – which in this case are my unexamined regrets.

Before hearing Whyte say that I had to look at what I’d been keeping at bay, I was creating more regrets in the same areas of my life as I had always done, because I hadn’t admitted my key role in forming them. I hadn’t learned anything from those regrets so I could transform the way I live.

Regrets don’t belong in the past.

They need to be brought into a conversation with the now.

To explain what I mean, I'll write about one of my main regrets.

I regret not giving my five children the one-on-one, soul-to-soul focus they deserved from me as they were growing up.

I can throw all sorts of excuses at this regret.

There were five children demanding my attention! I was working as well as housewifeing and writing! I gave them lots of opportunities and experiences! They were well-fed and clothed! I didn’t beat them up or lock them up!

But, hey, I still regret not giving them the one-on-one, soul-to-soul focus they would have loved as they were growing up.

I need to drag that dark, musty regret into the light of day and confess to it, so I don’t keep repeating it now with them as adults, and with their children – my grandchildren.

Whyte said:

A proper regret puts you into a better relationship to the future.

I’ve had various conversations about this regret with each of my children. They handed me tissues and hugged me and said it’s okay now. But I know it wasn’t okay when they were growing up. They missed out on something of great value. All I can do – now – is give them what they didn’t get back then.

Regrets Can Transform You

My regret about not paying enough one-on-one, soul-to-soul attention to my children wasn’t my enemy. It was a dear, close friend.

I needed to welcome it with open arms and listen to what it could teach me.

Then it became a transformative turning point.

I’m still not perfect in this area. Although having resolved to do it better, I still forget sometimes to look eye-to-eye with close family members, to attend one-to-one, to listen soul-to-soul and speak heart-to-heart.

But later, when they’ve gone back to their homes far away, I remember.

Although this regret isn’t as dark and musty as it used to be, I still drag it into the light of day, dust it off, and have a good look at it.

Then I vow to do better, next time.

Pay attention to regrets and they will transform how you live now.

With love, Marlane